Rigel (n) : awesomesaucery

*pulls out the big guns*

Two words.

BARBARIAN PLANET

Oh yes... I bring you the quality "futuristic space romance"

This book, *pets it lovingly* has everything!

It is I Fabio, the most beautiful man in the cosmos - including the black holes!

*overt dance of lust reference

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Is it not a thing of sheer beauty?

Behold the Fabio cover! (for more Lindsay Fabio awesome click here)

His bleached man-locks seem to have encountered some kind of space-static (or there's another wind machine hiding in the nebula) Rippling man-muscles (eww! veins in the arms!) clutching his oh-so-phallic sword of uber manliness. He's clutching it! It's not in one of those sword holdery things, you'd think he's be using his free arm to paw at her boobs, but no - he's suggestively holding it. Compensating much? I think so.

Note the rather creepy man-nipple as it follows your gaze (distinct man-boob shadowing too!) - tis rather arresting isn't it? In fact you are so entranced by it's mesmerizing power and almost freak show status that it takes you a while to notice what he's wearing.

Leather pants!! And not just your garden variety kind, no! These are of the PVC bondage-esque ilk. She's clutching his thigh thinking "wow, it's gonna take me fricking half an hour to get these off him!" (although he may have thought ahead and baby powdered himself beforehand)

The heroine is dressed up in some godawful harem-wannabe floaty-type purple - yes purple, silk monstrosity, accented with whore make-up and beaded scrunchie. Although we can forgive her slightly, she seems to have fallen under the power of the man-nipple. Make a note of this outfit, the chauri you will see its purpose later.

The cover alone is worth the price of admission!

Being a virgin = illegal

Did I not promise you the awesome!

Our heroine:

Name: Tedra De Arr
Number of unnecessary hyphens/apostrophes in name: Sadly none, although we note the rather pretentious "De"
Planet of Origin: Kystran, in the city of Fanya (*snorts*)
Appearance: "her body was sleek and nicely proportioned, her breasts an abundant handful, her waist narrower than most... The peach-gold skin tone, large almond-shaped eyes and soft coral mouth were nothing to ignore either." Oh and tall - very tall (did we mention she was tall? It's why she can't find a man, as she apparently comes from a planet of shortarse weaklings.)
Favourite Curse: Farden as in "Farden _____ (insert curse-able item here)" or "For the stars sake!"


Sidekick A:
Name: Corth
Purpose: Entertainment Android (*coughs*)
Personality: "If I do not remind you of my eagerness to give you pleasure, you will give no thought to changing your mind about my use."

Sidekick B:
Name: Martha
Purpose: Mock II Supercomputer who is one of only 3 on the planet! Currently resides in Tedra's spaceship.
Personality: Oh Martha's a wiseguy. She has personality, which in space!future consists of cracking dirty sex jokes and referring to people as "babe, kiddo, doll, honey..."

But yes... you are saying GET TO THE ILLEGAL VIRGINS!!

*obliges*

"Ce Moerr's lowered the women's Age of Consent from twenty-five to eighteen. You are now illegally unbreached."

So it seems that the planet Kystran considers it "unhealthy" to not discover the joys of sex, and has itself a law to prevent its citizenry from turning into dried up old sticks. A "use it or lose it" mentality it seems.

Poor Tedra :-(
Not only is she an illegal virgin (breach this girl! stat!) but her planet has just been taken over by an Evil Dictator^TM who brought with him an army of warrior barbarians from the warrior barbarian planet Sha-Ka'ar (a hyphen and an apsotrophe!)

So now she has to rustle herself up a corresponding army of barbarian warriors and save the universe planet!

Me Warrior *grunt* You Woman *lewd grunt*

Our Hero:
Name: Challen Ly-San-Ter (2 hyphens!)
Title: Shodan of Sha-Ka-Ra
Planet of Origin: You couldn't tell already? Sha-Ka'ar but from the country Kan-Is-Tra where they done treat their womenfolk better!
Evidence of Barbarian Warrior-ness: We first meet him out hunting... "The taaran would be his third kill since sunrising. but the two small kisrak now tied to his hataar would merely provide food for this rising." (I wish I could say the italics were mine, but apparently if you italicise it, it makes it more barbarian...) Oh and he's decked out in animals skins (buttery soft though - he's not quite a caveman) and more jewellery than a pimped out gangsta rapper on crack.
Appearance: Well I'm hardly about to quote the pages and pages of barbarian splendourness but one comes to mind: "The skin was warm... like velvet covered rock" (Do you want to jump his bones yet? Cos Tedra certainly does.)

So his first (practically anyway) words upon seeing her:

"Take them off woman" - in reference to her clothes.

Now before you get excited at the possibility of teh-immediate-hawt-sex-with-barbarian-stranger you have to realise he is mightily offended at her dress sense (as he should be 'cos she's wearing some one-piece jumpsuit of futuristic hideousness - silver!! it's silver) The women on his planet don't wear warriors clothes, they wear the chauri (italicised to indicate barbarian-ness)

Magnificent Warrior Barbarian immediately "claims her" as his own and hauls her off by the hair to his cave carrying a club sword in his left hand.

She has to be a love slave for a month!

Take me swiftly, my barbarian hunk o' burning man-love

[Poll #941625]

*sporfles*

Spank me harder, yes... yeeeeeeeeeeees!!!

So, apparently these barbarians take their barbarian-ness pretty seriously. Tedra dons her outfit of harem-slave barely there-ness and causes a big fight in the marketplace.

Oh noes! Time for punishment.

(*whaps LJ for not letting me post 2 polls*)

If you selected (e) Congratu-ma-lations! You win this lovely fruit basket of 'why yes that is batshit insane' delicacies.

He spanks her (ooh baby!) and then drinks his voodoo hoo-dah dhaya juice that makes him immune to desire and then drives her wild.

Me likes the idea of this punishment (apparently Tedra has never heard of masturbation and thus spends the night alone in misery)

ZOMG! What do you mean I have to give birth?

Naturally all this sex sharing has a side effect, and in the true tradition of all romance novels it devolves into baby!fic

However Tedra's planet doesn't have babies - it's all done artificially, and uh-oh she discovers she's preggers.

cue *waaaaaaaaaail oh noes! I can't do this!!!11eleventy!!11!*

Of course we all know Challen will talk her around to the having babies = pure bliss + natural way of thinking.

Ahh Johanna Lindsay, you never fail to bring the WTFery back into romance novels...