Rigel (n) : awesomesaucery

Another Romance Review

You didn't think I'd forgotten did you?

I promised the Duke who needs to learn that dirt smells like perfume and I deliver!

"Something Wonderful" is another classic from my top shelf of romance (aka read literally to pieces) and by the same author as my alltime fave "Whitney, My Love"

Mcnaught always delivers. Melodrama, schmoop and more schmoop. What's not to love?

[Poll #970722]

If you ticked any of the above, well you're in for a treat!

It's a man, baby!

Okay I might have lied about the pirates :P But the rest is in there!

So my cover alas, is the original cover:



Yay flowers! but tres boring in terms of lacking a hero with manboob and leather pant bulge with half naked female plastered to his side.

Thankfully a leetle googling later and I happen upon the joy that is the foreign editions.



So clearly whoever painted this was on some kind of crack, because I sure don't remember the palm trees and what looks suspiciously like tropical foliage in ye olde merry England.

Best of all though is the distinctly mannish look to our heroine Alexandra, check out the five o'clock shadow and distinctly masculine chin. Also that neck looks incredibly long... almost horse like - oh and look there are 2 horsies cavorting in the sunset as well. *cough* then again it looks like ze hero - Jordan - is vampire-like nuzzling at her neck too...

Okay, and MAN HANDS! she has giant man hands with talon-like nails!

Jordan also clearly has some sort of skin disease as well as looking distinctly undernourished (then again that fits in with canon... more on that later)

more names than you can poke a stick at

Let's meet the hero, as he fittingly opens the book by debauching his latest mistress in an exceedingly jaded mood.

Jordan Addison Matthew Townsende - Marquess of Landsdowne, Viscount Leeds, Viscount Reynolds, Earl Townsende of Marlow, Baron Townsende of Stroleigh, Richfield and Monmart - and 12th Duke of Hawthorne

Did you get all that?

Oh and his nickname is "Hawk"

Good ol' Jordan is in his thirties (I think 35) and is a tad mysogynistic due to his mother being a whore (OMG! she had affairs) and his father having been a cruel and merciless man (OMG! beat him with a cane!) Thank goodness they're dead and he still loves his Grandmother, a crotchety old bag who nonetheless wields a certain amount of power over the ton as dowager Duchess.

Oh and yes, tall, dark handsome, exceedingly rich, estates all over England and a Duke. This is one man worth marrying (if you can ignore the whole jaded world weary thing)

I think I broke the Mary-Sue Litmus Test

Our heroine is the Sueiest of Sues who ever lived - She scored a massive 109 points when anything over 50 is considered irredeemable - and I didn't even get to tick any boxes about mind powers or magic! (But I luffs her!)

Meet Alexandra Lawrence, aged 17 - but at the beginning of this tale she looks about 14 and is often mistaken for a boy! She lives in the village of Morsham with her crazed mother, a groping uncle and 2 old retainers - one of whom is practically blind - the other is pretty much deaf.

Oh, and her daddy was a bigamist! *cue scarred for life and daddy issues*

Alexandra, or Alex as she is known passes her time by doing the following.

[x] hunting and fishing to support her family
[x] Studying ancient greek, latin and philosophy
[x] Bargaining with local shopowners so as not to starve/get into debt
[x] Fencing
[x] Dressing up in an old suit of armor and playing at jousting with the neighbors

A Knight in shining armor

Srsly. In fact the last hobby is how our two lovers meet.

Jordan is fed up with London and is off to visit dear old grandmama when he gets waylaid by bandits! Woe! Good thing Alex happens by still dressed in her suit of armor and kills the biggest and baddest one just in time. Of course the shock of it all causes her to faint, and Jordan carries her off to the nearest inn to fetch a doctor.

But she's a girl! *cue shock* although he thinks she's all of 13 or so and so takes her back to her house thinking all is well. Of course next day Mama, Uncle and Alex show up at Grandmama's demanding that he marry her because he has now 'ruined' her reputation.

*cue hasty wedding*

*cue teh healing sex where Jordan decides being married to Alex might not be such a bad thang*

See her innocence and freshness open his eyes to possibilities and shiny rainbows. She thinks that dirt smells like perfume after the rain and he laughs at her, she's a bit sad at this but of course is all starry eyed with love at this man who has carried her off and dazzled her with his handsomeness and great lovemakin' skillz.

Woe! Why did he have to die and leave me!!!11!

So of course we have to introduce a bit of melodrama. Poor old Jordan gets hit on the noggin down at the London docks (6 days into his marriage) press ganged into service on a ship and woe! it goes down with all hands soon after.

*cue wailing and gnashing of teeth*

Our Alex be a widow. Of course we have the obligatory 'I loved him too' speech that brings crotchety old grandmama round from her shock induced fit.

And the 'one year passes' in which Alex spends time falling more in love with the memory of dead hubby, getting to know his cousin Tony (the new duke) oh, and getting impossibly beautiful.

One heart rending scene has her standing in front of Jordan's portrait sobbing 'wasn't he beautiful' *sporfles*

Oh btw Jordan = not dead. He's in France having been conveniently captured and is now being tortured. Good thing he has his memories of Alex to keep him going... but we'll leave him to rot there while we get back to Alex and her conquest of London...

Glorious Alex

Of course things aint all that smooth for her *gasp* no-one likes her cos she's so starry eyed and nice and a defender of her husbands memory, when they all know he was the most cynical man who ever lived and visited his mistress on the day he died and well, wasn't all that heroic frankly.

Poor Alex.

Cousin Tony has to break it to her that she really married an absolute bastard. *cue overnight transformation* Here's her list of accomplishments

[x] won over cynical leader of the ton by fencing in breeches and acting saucy
[x] won over women by being friendly and witty
[x] won over corinthian set and nonpareils with fencing and daring carriage races
[x] won over shy and boring men by listenting to them (ZOMG! people were meen to me and I would never do the same)
[x] won over scholars by discussing Greek philosophy
[x] won over sportsmen by discussing shooting and fishing and riding
[x] has 50 callers a day
[x] has a kabillion flowers delivered to her every day
[x] has poems written about her
[x] has a rose named after her 'Glorious Alex'
[x] has everyone call her Alex
[x] recieves 10 marriage proposals

and it goes on...

Eventually Tony and Grandmama see that she's really just trying to cover her fresh grief and convince her the best thing to do would be to move on and marry. Oh and marry Tony who is fond of her and all.

Jordan of course has by now escaped from his torture and making his way home to Alex! *oh the melodrama!!*

I object! You can't marry my wife because she's married to me!

Best scene ever.

In the church, and he strolls down the aisle at the exact right moment. Hilarious!

And then we have the fallout! and we're only halfway through the book! Alex despises Jordan for being such a manwhore, he's pissy with her for getting beautiful and not adoring him anymore and laughing it up while he was being tortured and everyone does the OMG you're not dead! routine.

Of course all of London is afire with gossip about how soon good ol' Jordan will have his wife eating out of his hand again. Which makes our Alex all pissy - In fact she makes her friend place a bet for her in White's famous betting book that she won't pin her ribbon to his sleeve at some famous horse race so she can win, get money and run away forever!

Jordan = not impressed.

naturally his reaction is to counter her bet with one of his own:

'Be my wife again for a month (in all senses of the word) and if after all that time you still want to leave me, I'll let you.'

For real! *dies with glee*

And the rest of the book is the two of them falling schmoopily in love, Jordan regaining his soul, realising dirt = perfume and then getting mega paranoid and accusing her of wanting to kill him.

Cos that's not an about face at all!

Remember this is Judith McNaught! There is always HUGE melodrama. Remember the whole bandits and hit on the head thang - turns out people want to kill him, and naturally he suspects good ol' cousin Tony and Alex who must want him ded so they can marry and be Duke and Duchess together.

Too bad it's really Tony's younger bro (mentioned like twice in the whole novel) and he's going to keeeeel them all with a gun while everyone's occupied with the local fete.

Alex proves her love by diving in front of her hubby and taking the bullet that was meant for him.

And then she dies.

And everyone cries.

Well, no - she makes a miraculous recovery after he sits by her bedside and begs her not to leave him and then saves her through the power of his love!

God I love this book :D