rigel: (hypnotic pony)

Rigel Reads Romance

I'm more than a little bit in love with Eth right now, as she sent me THE BEST PRESENT EVAR! Consisting of a box full of Mills & Boons, and they are utterly delicious - for how can you not be intrigued by a title like this:

The Millionaire's Seductive Revenge

(Although it has to be said that 'The Sheik's Contract Bride' promises lulz, and possibly slave/master type scenarios...)

So, this *cough* book is set in Australia (token references to kangaroos and erm... Australian-y things abound - Oh and cringingly there is a G'day in there too *gags*)

Sidebar: Although surprisingly, you could totally blink and think this was set in ah... New Mexico (or possibly Florida, because romancelandia is populated with peple there that have stupid completely legitimate names like Colt and Bubba and Zsadist.)

Because I have to say that the hero and heroine of this book have the most ridiculous names that no self respecting Aussie mother would inflict on her child.

The heroine is a car model - Kia (Keeeeeeeeyah! I swear every time I read her name I'd say it in my head like the ad, such is the association with me. Interestingly I have read books with heroines named Portia, Mercedes and Pjeepgran'cherokhee - that lat one must have been a futuristic romance due the obligatory hyphen and silent 'P' at the front)

The hero is called Brant, and said combination of letters did much to subliminally re-inforce my rant-tacular reaction to much of the plot and the utterly stupid motivations of the characters.

And so it begins...

Brant: Stupid cocktail partay, pah! And why is that whore Kia looking so sexy how dare she be so attractive to me. I know she's a total gold digger based on the fact that she's hot and shacking up with a cripple. I must now go outside and let the ocean air clear my lungs of the scent of deception.
Kiiiiia: That arrogant wanker is undressing me with his eyes again woe is me.
Phillip the cripple: Dahling, have a diamond necklace.
Kiiiiia: OMG quit making me uncomfortable this is supposed to be just for pretend. WTF is Branty McRantpants doing with that unhot woman.
Phillip the cripple: Ahhhh... *shifty eyes* might have set them up and whatnot
Kiiiia: Man she's so.... plain and Branthotsauce is so out of her league.
Rigel: *stabs Kia* oh and then she goes on a mental thought train about how all the hot women in the room must be thinking cruel things about the unhot chick and is super patronisingly nice to her when they finally meet.
Phillip the cripple: You look like you want to dance Kia, alas my legs don't work, Barfrant how's about you dance with Kia and ramp up that sexual tension.
Kiaaaa: Baaaaaaw
Brant: *smoulders sexily* You really are a piece of work. OMG I want you
Kiiiiia: *banters* It's too bad Phillip set you up with ugly face over there.
Brant: O RLY?
Kiiiiiia I sure know wot it's like to be beaten with the ugly stick. My daddy issues, let me show you them.
Rigel: for serious, this is the plot point as to why Kia has never had a stable relationship - her daddy is a womaniser and was disappointed with her supreme ugliness as a girl and only showed her approval after she got hot... Yeah... I'll just let you digest that one with all the ewwwww overtones it has...
Teh evil ex of Phillip *conveniently shows up*
Phillip the cripple: Oh and did I mention that Kia and I are like totally engaged SO TAKE THAT YOU HUSSY!!!
Kiiiiia: Say what now?
Phillip the cripple: K I'm leaving now for no reason.
Brant I'll totally take Kia home now and creepily come on to her at every opportunity.
Kia's house: *conveniently gets broken into*
Kiiiiia: Well gosh darn it.
Brant: I'm sleeping with you - I mean on the couch so I cans protects you.
Kiiia: Piss off
Brant: *hypnotises her with his pecs*

And then we have a few boring interludes where Brant ramps up the creep factor to 11 by continually showing up at her place and interfering (hello having an alarm installed without asking permission and inveigling his way into spending time with her by calling it *work commitments* as he's technically her boss - cripple Phil is his partner in their unspecified billionaire making business and Kia is a personal assistant whose chief job seems to be looking hot at events and filing papers. Oh and then he stalks her and shows up at her family Christmas lunch to whisk her away...

The evil ex: *randomly shows up* Tell me that you love him. Woe! I cannot bear it.
Kiiiiia Oh like it was all totally pretend to make you jealous anyways, you can have him.
Brant *overhears* You total golddigger!
Kiiiia It wasn't like that!
Brant Do you realise we could have been having sex like 2 weeks ago if it hadn't been for your charade!
Kiiiiaaa Darn! Quit confusing me with your pecs
Brant: You owe it to yourself
Rigel: AHAHAHAH!!! he said that I shit you not!
Kiiiiia: I'm practically a virgin, my last lover was some random guy in high shool 'cos I was still ugly back then and just wanted to get it over.
Brant: Baby I'm going to rock your world! *ripples pecs*

And then there is sexxoring and I dry heave at all the terrible cliches (she falls in love with him post orgasm) and uber possessive crap that Brant spouts. I mean he orders her to look at him during sex - ewww

And worst of all are his 'lessons' which I will repeat verbatim for you:

1. Always say my name when I'm inside you
2. Always respond when I touch you
3. How to get a man to kiss you all over
4. Learn how to please a man

Oh, and he takes to calling her 'Woman' and suddenly reverts to carrying around a giant club and grunting over a fire with raw hunks of meat.

Anyway, we have the obligatory conflict - he sees her having lunch with a mysterious man (her father) and she accuses him of sleeping with his ex (who, for extra ick factor married his brother), but the magic sex makes it all better and the end line is Kiiiiiiia offering to take some dick-tation (ewww)

And now I msut cleanse my palate with the new Eloisa James before moving on to the Sheiks and Italian playboys :)


I should know better than to read one of these while drinking my morning coffee.

Who comes up with these names??

They always have the most ridiculously stupid names ever. Although I have to confess that my fave genre the regency romances give all the heroes epically idiotic nicknames like 'Hawk' or 'Devil'
OMG! What a book! :D I can't wait for the next one. (:
The sheikh one looks really bad - just from the name of the hero alone - Sheikh Malik Hourani of Bha'Khar

But I'm thinking I'll inflict you with some more Johanna Lindsay WTF'ery...
Sounds like I could write something better.

*writes with eyes closed, and sends it to Mills and Boon*
You made me laugh. Thank you.
Want any Harlequin romances? I'm sure I can find some around. :o)
I have a whole shelf of 'waiting to be read' harlequins as my sekrit love of them has been uncovered :D
This is...wow. Just...wow. The sad part is I don't think you were exaggerating at all.

Have you seen The Italian Gourmet-Baby-Food Baron’s Ironically Pregnant Virgin Mistress (http://dionnegalace.com/wordpress/2008/12/23/the-italian-gourmet-baby-food-baron%e2%80%99s-ironically-pregnant-virgin-mistress-part-8/)? It's a spork of romance novels done by eight authors, and it's fairly hilarious.

Eloisa James! *loves*
Eeee! I have and it's so lolarious!

Eloisa James is one of my shiny authors of squee :)
OMG! That was very funny, but the fact that this book exists at all makes me feel a little ill... There is so totally a reason that I only read scifi and mysteries!

Well they're kind of like fic, in that there's eleventy bajillion bad awful cringe inducing ones out there, but amongst the dross there are still some gems :D
Lol! I'll agree about the fic. My reaction to the first dozen or so I read was 'what the hell was that?' That was before I located good authors and just started reading what they read. Then I found this community, and all was well. ; )

Xena the Warrior Princess, in full character, narrates this in my head.

I forgot about Xena :)

I think I am totally traumatized!! Ewwww is right! :)

I think you are the bravest person evah to want to make the supreme sacrifice for us, you know, by reading the book so that you can give us this less traumatizing condensed version. Whew! I bow to your courage, even as I peek through my fingers to read your version of this stuff. :D

Why some people think that control freaks make the best lover is way beyond me. *shakes head* Uber possessiveness is never a good thing.


I'm kind of masochistic when it comes to romances - I have a strange fascination for the batshit ones :)

And the uber male control freaks make me want to hurl the books at the wall because that is in no way attractive at all.
Hehehe! This is hilarious, I have never actually read a romance novel, I had no idea just HOW bad it could be, lol!
Oh there are much much worse ones

*eyes top shelf of WTF fail ones*
The new Eloisa James is FANTASTIC.

That was hilarious! I read it out loud to my husband. He always pulls books like this when I am picking up my quality Stephanie Laurens and Eloisa James and Julia Quinns. :-) They all sound SO horrible. Do you read Mary Balogh? Her new stuff is pretty good.
Isn't it!

I like this new Duchess series, and now i'm counting down to the new book because I absolutely HAVE to have some more of Leopold Duke of Villiers because I adore him so :) (he'd better end up with a book of his own!)
That is spectacularly bad! Thank-you for enduring it for all of us. :D

Also: *tackle-hugs the Becness*

Merry Christmas! Uh, that's over now, but it still counts. Did you have a good one? Are you doing something for new years? WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK TO US FOR REALS??
*tackle hugs also*

I miss you all so!!!

We need to organise some kind of meet up for 2009 :D
Yes! I keep experiencing a desire to sing randomly in public and it must be stopped. I think a LorFmeet is the only way to go.

I'm thinking we should arrange something for April/May, when the Flitness returns. Would that work for you at all?
works for me yo :D

*echos Katie*

If nothing else can we organise an msn meet up when I is back in Oz?

P.S Bec that sounds so awesome it is made of win. I must read it NOW.

P.P.S also you is hilarious.,
Splendid! And I think I need to put a sign on my monitor that says SIGN INTO MSN, BITCH. Or something like that.
Doubly splendid! As I have to use up some of my annual leave :D

*signs into msn*

I shall lurk online just in case you all show up!

I needed that. *double snort*

There is much glee to be had in reading trashy romance
As I cannot phyically read these books, I live vicariously through your reviews.

Please continue to read and review and I shall snigger contently in the corner.

Oh I have shelves and shelves of books to spork for you all...
Gah! Premature post-ulation!

I FLOVE your reviews. These are so full of win and awesome that it can't even be described.

I do rather enjoy writing them up and huntng back through the pages for the really lolariously bad bits :)

I'm glad you're enjoying them. :) Better they go to you to spork than the bin. If you wnat them every month or two tere could be a shiny new parcel of the same stuff over and over again. :)

And I know a girl called Kiah (I love bogan parents.) Every time I see her my head is going 'Kiiiiiia.' Thankfully she's jsut afriend of my old housemate, so I never saw her that often.
See, these just always make me HAPPY. I should embrace the trash when I have to admit to embarrassing books in my month-in-books posts, rather than trying to make them as small as possible :D)
p.s. There was a girl in my class called Mishy (Emisha), who got the Mitsubishi jingle at school pretty much every day. I can't imagine what a Kia would get.