rigel: (hypnotic pony)[personal profile] rigel wrote
on December 30th, 2008 at 09:17 pm

Rigel Reads Romance

I'm more than a little bit in love with Eth right now, as she sent me THE BEST PRESENT EVAR! Consisting of a box full of Mills & Boons, and they are utterly delicious - for how can you not be intrigued by a title like this:

The Millionaire's Seductive Revenge

(Although it has to be said that 'The Sheik's Contract Bride' promises lulz, and possibly slave/master type scenarios...)

So, this *cough* book is set in Australia (token references to kangaroos and erm... Australian-y things abound - Oh and cringingly there is a G'day in there too *gags*)

Sidebar: Although surprisingly, you could totally blink and think this was set in ah... New Mexico (or possibly Florida, because romancelandia is populated with peple there that have stupid completely legitimate names like Colt and Bubba and Zsadist.)

Because I have to say that the hero and heroine of this book have the most ridiculous names that no self respecting Aussie mother would inflict on her child.

The heroine is a car model - Kia (Keeeeeeeeyah! I swear every time I read her name I'd say it in my head like the ad, such is the association with me. Interestingly I have read books with heroines named Portia, Mercedes and Pjeepgran'cherokhee - that lat one must have been a futuristic romance due the obligatory hyphen and silent 'P' at the front)

The hero is called Brant, and said combination of letters did much to subliminally re-inforce my rant-tacular reaction to much of the plot and the utterly stupid motivations of the characters.

And so it begins...

Brant: Stupid cocktail partay, pah! And why is that whore Kia looking so sexy how dare she be so attractive to me. I know she's a total gold digger based on the fact that she's hot and shacking up with a cripple. I must now go outside and let the ocean air clear my lungs of the scent of deception.
Kiiiiia: That arrogant wanker is undressing me with his eyes again woe is me.
Phillip the cripple: Dahling, have a diamond necklace.
Kiiiiia: OMG quit making me uncomfortable this is supposed to be just for pretend. WTF is Branty McRantpants doing with that unhot woman.
Phillip the cripple: Ahhhh... *shifty eyes* might have set them up and whatnot
Kiiiia: Man she's so.... plain and Branthotsauce is so out of her league.
Rigel: *stabs Kia* oh and then she goes on a mental thought train about how all the hot women in the room must be thinking cruel things about the unhot chick and is super patronisingly nice to her when they finally meet.
Phillip the cripple: You look like you want to dance Kia, alas my legs don't work, Barfrant how's about you dance with Kia and ramp up that sexual tension.
Kiaaaa: Baaaaaaw
Brant: *smoulders sexily* You really are a piece of work. OMG I want you
Kiiiiia: *banters* It's too bad Phillip set you up with ugly face over there.
Brant: O RLY?
Kiiiiiia I sure know wot it's like to be beaten with the ugly stick. My daddy issues, let me show you them.
Rigel: for serious, this is the plot point as to why Kia has never had a stable relationship - her daddy is a womaniser and was disappointed with her supreme ugliness as a girl and only showed her approval after she got hot... Yeah... I'll just let you digest that one with all the ewwwww overtones it has...
Teh evil ex of Phillip *conveniently shows up*
Phillip the cripple: Oh and did I mention that Kia and I are like totally engaged SO TAKE THAT YOU HUSSY!!!
Kiiiiia: Say what now?
Phillip the cripple: K I'm leaving now for no reason.
Brant I'll totally take Kia home now and creepily come on to her at every opportunity.
Kia's house: *conveniently gets broken into*
Kiiiiia: Well gosh darn it.
Brant: I'm sleeping with you - I mean on the couch so I cans protects you.
Kiiia: Piss off
Brant: *hypnotises her with his pecs*

And then we have a few boring interludes where Brant ramps up the creep factor to 11 by continually showing up at her place and interfering (hello having an alarm installed without asking permission and inveigling his way into spending time with her by calling it *work commitments* as he's technically her boss - cripple Phil is his partner in their unspecified billionaire making business and Kia is a personal assistant whose chief job seems to be looking hot at events and filing papers. Oh and then he stalks her and shows up at her family Christmas lunch to whisk her away...

The evil ex: *randomly shows up* Tell me that you love him. Woe! I cannot bear it.
Kiiiiia Oh like it was all totally pretend to make you jealous anyways, you can have him.
Brant *overhears* You total golddigger!
Kiiiia It wasn't like that!
Brant Do you realise we could have been having sex like 2 weeks ago if it hadn't been for your charade!
Kiiiiaaa Darn! Quit confusing me with your pecs
Brant: You owe it to yourself
Rigel: AHAHAHAH!!! he said that I shit you not!
Kiiiiia: I'm practically a virgin, my last lover was some random guy in high shool 'cos I was still ugly back then and just wanted to get it over.
Brant: Baby I'm going to rock your world! *ripples pecs*

And then there is sexxoring and I dry heave at all the terrible cliches (she falls in love with him post orgasm) and uber possessive crap that Brant spouts. I mean he orders her to look at him during sex - ewww

And worst of all are his 'lessons' which I will repeat verbatim for you:

1. Always say my name when I'm inside you
2. Always respond when I touch you
3. How to get a man to kiss you all over
4. Learn how to please a man

Oh, and he takes to calling her 'Woman' and suddenly reverts to carrying around a giant club and grunting over a fire with raw hunks of meat.

Anyway, we have the obligatory conflict - he sees her having lunch with a mysterious man (her father) and she accuses him of sleeping with his ex (who, for extra ick factor married his brother), but the magic sex makes it all better and the end line is Kiiiiiiia offering to take some dick-tation (ewww)

And now I msut cleanse my palate with the new Eloisa James before moving on to the Sheiks and Italian playboys :)

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